67. 149. Why was six scared of seven? Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. 78. Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. 264. Run. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. I’m not arguing, I’m just telling you why you’re wrong. 146. I am on a seafood diet. 188. 218. I love my job only when I’m on vacation. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. 155. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. I’m going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, I’m outstanding. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. There’s life without Facebook and internet? Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. “Mistakes are part of the dues that one pays for a full life.”- Sophia Loren. We need to hear a pin drop. One word: Coronavirus. I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? 121. 185. I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. 217. 137. Stop texting me in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my text. 225. I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake. If there is an improvement, that’s your achievement… good morning have a wonderful day Looking for the […] 256. Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? 174. Life is always rocky when you’re a gem. An obstacle is often a stepping stone. Give it up. Everyone Run For Your Life!”, “We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. I’ve made it from the bed to the couch. 64. 178. Merry Christmas, almost Everybody! God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. If you don’t succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and I’m not afraid to use it. Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? I enjoy every minute of it. 23. 118. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? Luvze® is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. 132. 7. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. 66. My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. Learn sign language, it’s very handy. I intend to live forever. If at first, you don’t succeed, so much for skydiving. If you don’t like me, remember its mind over matter. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? 71. 209. 4. I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. A compilation of funny sayings and short puns - keen and winged words of wisdom - This list can be an inspiration for speeches, letters, greeting cards, weddings, birthdays, and goodbye / farewell. What a smart ass.”, “The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.”, “I WANT -I WANT -I WANT. Run. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Enjoy! 165. 198. I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake. Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. 123. I am on a seafood diet. 12. 61. You definitely don’t want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. 240. 64. 44. 47. Rather than being innate, optimism just like helplessness can be learned. I’m in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. 148. – Socrates. 261. – Mark Twain #2. With a cowculator. It’s alright if you don’t agree with me, I can’t force you to be right. 159. With a cowculator. I’m not running away from hard work, I’m too lazy to run. 11. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. 191. 14. We’ve compiled the largest list of funny quotes to make you laugh out loud. East. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. Not only does laughter reduce stress, it lowers your blood pressure, gives you an excellent ab workout, and releases endorphins. 129. 122. 274. 52. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. 233. 10. – Frances McDormand Decomposing. 166. I breathe in and out. How do you count cows? 107. The only power you have is the word ‘no’. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. Sincerely, opportunist. Inspirational Funny Quotes from Movies 1. 74. 2. When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. 26. Alan Dundes. 83. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. 273. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up.”, “To my daughter who likes to argue with me. 271. The rest are too expensive. Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? 221. 141. Don’t be humble, you’re not that great. 275. 34. 92. Sincerely, the floor. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. 44. Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now that’s confusing. I offer a range of research … Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? “I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. 75 Funny Quotes And Sayings Short funny Words “They say “don’t try this at home” so I’m coming over to your house to try it.” Looking for the laugh then try this quotes funny will make you laugh your day. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? 277. There’s life without Facebook and internet? Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. Why did the can crusher quit his job? Wow all quotes are really very nice and funny. 140. 22. Where do you think your attitude comes from. Short people with an umbrella. ‘Oh sheet!’. If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. Read the first word again. Anonymous. An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. 227. short Funny Quotes and Funny Wise Sayings Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it. Snowballs. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. 115. One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure you’re actually funny. Learn sign language, it’s very handy. 63. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. 27. 219. 220. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. – Rodney Dangerfield, 198. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? Funny Quotes. Do, or do not. If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research. 91. If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition. 33. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. People say you can’t live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. I intend to live forever. 57. 213. The library, because it has so many stories. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. 222. 189. – Rodney Dangerfield. At night, I can’t fall asleep. It may look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head, I’m quite busy. 37. Home / Short Funny Quotes. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. A mind is like a parachute. 162. 96% Funny 98% Sexy and 100% sweet so don’t lose me!.”, “I’m a pretty nice person, but I also realize that if there were an asshole championship, I would place respectfully in my weight division.”. I have Alzheimer’s bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. It gets toad away. 138. If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you. 31. 2. 4. 28. 63. 119. 195. Sometimes funny quotes to help you get through today. 245. You wanna know who I’m in love with? 278. 41. I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition. 164. 143. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. 101. When the past comes knocking, don’t answer. If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me, I’ll laugh at you.”, When I’m quiet, those that don’t know ME to look at Me and think I’m shy People who know Me think: OMG! 1971 Copy quote. 75. Breasts don’t have eyes. 263. – Lily Tomlin, 242. – Lily Tomlin When nothing is going right, go left. 105. Just like every Monday does on Earth. Envelope. Most of all, I would like to see our people start to care for one another. 21. CoolFunnyQuotes.com. How do astronomers organize a party? How do trees access the internet? I’m going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, I’m outstanding. 102. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? 96. 100. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish. – Erma Bombeck. Justin Bieber: “I have millions of fans and I am not even 20 yet” Minion: “I have billions of fans and I don’t even exist”. 46. 9. 109. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. Be careful when you follow the masses. 103. – Bill Murray 257. – Steven Alexander Wright. 168. I have Alzheimer’s bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. So far, so good. 216. 133. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. – Ann Landers 76. “The distance between your dreams and reality is discipline.” 17. What do I do for a living? The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent. Short Cute Status Quotes. 151. – Walter Bagehot. – Alison Boulter When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. – Bill Murray, 257. 73. Can February march? So far, so good. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. 279. 236. 24. 153. 173. For the best seat in the house, you’ll have to move the dog. I tried, but they wanted cash. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. – Gary Delaney 248. 197. 2205 Copy quote. 172. 177. If you can’t laugh at your own problems, call me and I’ll laugh at them. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. 65. Because they make up everything. 49. Not me, but somebody does. 249. Don’t give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. Smiles are contagious, be a carrier. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. Can not do knew that they were drunk so he started the &. Me and I ’ m doing nothing, short funny sayings marriage is a group keeps... M multitasking: I can show Santa what I love my job only when I ’ m just telling why... 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